A Progression in Moments
by Deltree
Summary: The progression of the relationship of Spike and Xander as seen by three people.
1. Spike

Title: A Progression in Moments

Pairing: Spander

Disclaimer: Do not own BTVS or characters

Warning: Slash, implied major character death (but is it for good? I actually really don't know)

Author Note: I went and added another chapter to this, planning to add more, so I had to change the title from _Romance in 3 Parts_ to something different.

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(Spike POV)

It was supposed to be just a game. Just something to pass the time.

If a bloke's not out killing or causing bloody mayhem there's absolute shit-all to do in this fucking town. Especially when a bloke's not the most welcomed person around.

So I'd thought I'd have some fun and play with the little white hat's minds. See what I could make them do.

And Harris was the perfect target.

The least physically dangerous, with the most emotional impact on the group

Absolutely no self-esteem or confidence and practically begging for any attention from anyone

The most suspicious and paranoid of the group, and pathetically desperate for masculinity

A history of caring for evil non-humans

Lived alone and looked good enough it wouldn't be a chore

And he never told the others _anything_.

Thought it'd be _fun_ to make him want it, to make him want _me_.

To play with that paranoia and need and desperately kept heterosexuality. To take away the emotional support of the team and watch as it crumbled piece by piece.

And no one would be dead or realize my part in their destruction, if they even realized the destruction, so I'd still have the blood and dosh and be none the worse for wear.

But then time went on, the plan went into action, and it was fun. _Too_ fun

The thing was, when I actually stopped constantly insulting the brat for a few seconds, I actually got to know the kid a bit.

And, damn, but Harris was bloody _warped_.

And, damn me, but I _like_ warped. It makes a person interesting, not being able to predict or understand them.

It was one of the reasons I fell in love Dru, after all. I mean, Dru could be bloody annoying and demanding, but she was also fucking _random_. Anything could set her off.

And, fuck me, if I didn't love how that gave the relationship a sense of danger.

So I find out the kid's warped and then I'm actually trying to understand him, but I can't, so I can't stop thinking about him, so I keep going back to him even though I know damn well that I shouldn't because this game has clearly gone way too far, and the brat's actually become a bloody _individual_ in my eyes instead of just another human, and, fuck it all, I've actually come to respect him.

And then the kid actually comes to trust me and I'm here. On his couch

Watching this blushing boy shuffle around a dirty apartment, so obviously trying not to look at me, heart beating fast, biting his lip, trying to work up the nerve . . . and I'm realizing that I'm actually nervous.

I'm actually fucking _nervous_ about what this human kid is going to say.

It was just a bloody _game_.

He's _nothing_. Just a stupid, self-sacrificing, innocent, and insignificant little human.

So then _why_ do I actually seem to care?

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TBC


	2. Xander

Title: A Progression in Moments

Pairing: Spander

Disclaimer: Do not own BTVS or characters

Warning: Slash, implied major character death (but is it for good? I actually really don't know)

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(Xander POV)

I know I'm an idiot. Believe me, I know.

I mean, this is _Spike_. Remember Spike?

Spike, the evil vampire? Spike, the psychopathic serial killer? Spike, the British asshole with the attention span of a gnat? Spike, the guy? Hello? Brain? Are you on? What the fuck are you thinking?

I don't even _like_ guys like that. Sure, at times I kinda wondered, but that was all I did. Wonder

So why am I here now, in bed, naked, trying to get as close to Spike-the-guy as I physically can without actually ripping his skin off and wearing it like a coat, actually enjoying the feel of Spike-the-vampire nibbling on my neck, and practically demanding this vampire-guy to stop playing around and just fuck me already. And that, if he wants his after-dinner cookie, he'd better do it _hard_.

_Uh god, that's it . . . Good boy_

Because it feels like _that_?

Could be.

But then again, could be I'm just here because I'm crazy.

I'd _have_ to be to actually trust this psycho on top of me, in me, having free access to all my vulnerable bits.

And, crazy me, I actually _do_ trust him. And not just with my vulnerable bits either. I trust this killer with more than my life. With more than my emotions and shit.

I trust him with my girls.

And didn't _that_ almost give me a heart attack. Realizing that, if I was ever gone, even I had just gone away to work in the next town for the weekend, I would trust this amoral, couldn't care less, asshole, to make sure my girls were alright. Not just not dead or not injured, but actually alright in every sense of the word.

I don't even know why, either.

He doesn't make promises because he knows I won't believe them.

He doesn't try to pretend to be human. He doesn't even try to pretend to be nice.

And I trust him. I love him.

I don't know, maybe it's _because_ he doesn't pretend. Or because when he does pretend it's usually only to pretend he's meaner than he actually is (which is, at times, actually kinda cute).

Everything he does is real. Everything he does for _me_ is real.

He listens to me when I speak, not because I have anything really interesting to say, but because he, for some reason, actually wants to.

He patches me up after patrol and teaches me how to stay alive because he, the demon-guy, doesn't want me, the food-guy, to get hurt.

He believes in me and wants me to be happy and makes me laugh and seems to think he needs me and . . . god, with all that, who really even _cares_ that he's a guy.

Who even _cares_ about what he's done in the past. At the moment, all that really matters is the now.

And the now is _good_.

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TBC


	3. Buffy

Title: A Progression in Moments

Pairing: Spander

Disclaimer: Do not own BTVS or characters

Warning: Slash, implied major character death (but is it for good? I actually really don't know)

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(Buffy POV)

I may not always be the best friend, or even the best person, but I would never, ever, try to purposely hurt Xan.

He's one of my best friends, practically my brother. I love him.

So, no, I would _never_ try to hurt him like this.

It was an accident.

I've gotten used to vamps being predictable, and save some serious time by cutting down my patrol to the major vamp hang-outs.

And the Bronze, especially _behind_ the Bronze, is party vamp-central.

They pick kids from the crowd, make them think they're being picked up, and take them out back for a bite.

So, when making my usual sweep for vamps behind the Bronze and hearing some of the usual noises, I, of course, run to the rescue.

All I see is blond head, connected to a leather-clad back, holding someone against the wall.

Spike

That lying _bastard_, I think, the stake flying before I can even open my mouth to yell it.

It's only once the dust settles that I see Xan's face.

And it's only after like 5 minutes of no response to my questions and stupid attempts to get him to a hospital or something that I notice Xan's neck. His blood-free neck.

With hickeys

Enter major confusion

Then Xan does this sort of slow slide thing down the wall, still staring at the little pile of Spike-dust, and starts to . . . cry a bit. No sobs, just tears running down his face.

Xander never cries.

And it's here where I start to realize that I may have made a bit of an oops. I've always been a bit slow on the up-take.

So, there you go. I never meant to hurt Xan.

It was just a whole big mess of my being too used to a pattern, and expecting a vamp-stakage, combined with shock and anger at a betrayal of trust.

I mean, I had actually been starting to _like_ Spike a bit. I had trusted him alone with my friends.

And now to find out that that trust and liking had actually been deserved?

God . . .

There is nothing I wouldn't do to be able to go back to that night and fix what I did.

Nothing.

Because maybe then I wouldn't be sitting here, in the Magic Box, watching Xander destroy all that makes him Xander. Maybe then he would be able to actually look at me when we talk, would be able to do more than just go through the motions of living.

Maybe then I wouldn't have to watch him tear himself apart with his confusion and guilt and anger on placing the blame. Or to watch him take all that emotion and throw it into the books.

He's losing his life to those things.

He wants to blame himself. He wants to blame me. And neither one is really right so he can't let go.

It was an accident.

I wish it wasn't.

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To be continued, I guess.


	4. Xander: 2

Title: Romance in 3 Parts

Pairing: Spander

Disclaimer: Do not own BTVS or characters

Warning: Slash, implied major character death

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(Xander POV)

It was all just so anti-climactic in a way.

So . . . so stupid

I mean, there I am at the Bronze, hanging out with my boyfriend/lover/sex-slave/ significant other/love muffin (I never could figure out what I should call him). Then I'm making out with said boyfriend/whatever, and we're getting all hot n' heavy. Spike's hands just starting to make their way South to the good-place, and I'm really getting into it.

And I never thought I'd like the whole dominant push-me-against-the-wall-thing, but, hey, never thought I'd like the guy-thing either, so what the hell.

I'd been doing a lot of what-the-hell-ing lately. Guess I figured that I'd already gotten down with the demonic gay necrophilia, what's one more kink?

And that's probably why I let Spike, with the whole vamp-package, gnaw on my neck so much.

He never bit, as in with the fangs. He couldn't with the chip, which always seemed—I mean, _seems_—to be a pretty big relationshipy downer to him.

There was some talk about the whole biting experience being pretty hot and intimate. I was never really completely convinced about the mutual enjoyment factor, though. He had this—I mean, _has_ this—no actually it was had. He's dead, Xander.

Dead. As in, Gone, capital G.

Nothing but dust in the wind now, sonny. Get with the program already, you idiot.

_Fuck_ . . .

But, anyways, back on topic, there was just this whole neck-fixation-thing going on.

And it's just my luck that I'm pressed all nicely against a wall, with Spike so nicely at my neck, when there's the big POOF.

My big Spike-cover is just suddenly gone.

No more hands or mouth or weight or warmth or feel-good-goodness, and I'm covered in dust.

It was just . . . I mean . . . what . . . What do you say to that?

I mean, I was so _confused_.

What happened?

I noticed that Buffy was there, and that I was covered in dust, with no Spike in sight, and my eyes just kept going back to that damn dust.

I keep it on my dresser now. The dust I mean.

After I finally figured things out, and after I stopped stupidly destroying what was left of Spike with my damn crying and hysterics, I collected as much of him as I could get and stuck him in this can I found. Not the best holding place, but it would keep him safe until I could do something else.

So he's now in this very nice urn on my dresser.

I'm trying to figure out a way to bring him back, too.

I mean, there has to be some way right? There's spells to bring back humans and tons of other demons, so why can't there be one to bring back a vampire?

Giles says I'm being stupid, monumentally stupid actually, but I don't care.

Spike's in Hell right now. How could I live with myself knowing that I just _left_ him there?

Besides, Spike's probably one of the closest real demons (not Deadboy) out there to being someone good, he doesn't belong there.

And it wasn't his _time_ yet. Buffy didn't actually _mean_ to kill him. It was an _accident_.

Buffy _meant_ to kill Angel, to send Angel to Hell, and he still got to come back. Without anybody really trying, even.

I've got the Slayer and two kick-ass witches to help me. This is gonna work.

It has to.

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TBC


	5. Spike: 2

Title: A Progression in Moments

Pairing: Spander

Disclaimer: Do not own BTVS or characters

Warning: Slash, implied major character death, and this one is going to be a bit weird and disjointed and a very different style then all the others.

* * *

(Spike POV)

_Something's not right. I don't . . . _

**PAIN-HEAT **

_Is that my shoulder? My leg? I can't . . ._

A light, drawing me closer. Too bright and I recoil.

**PAIN**

Snarl.

_My eyes, they . . ._

A tug and I'm breathing.Too bright

_It hurts. Bloody hell, but it hurts. _

Movement. Something over there. I spin.

Creatures. Shapes. THEM

HIM

Brown eyes flash, crooked smile before my eyes (?) and I feel something.

**MINE**.

_I said he was mine, didn't I? I remember that . . . and he smiled, right? Glad?_

I laugh because something makes sense.

_A memory of hungry eyes, hungry hands and mouths. Delicious heat. Needing closer, Needing more, more, more._

**SO-HUNGRY **and he's in reach. Can almost taste him now

_Taste . . . ?_

But THEY don't like it. Don't like me. Never did.

Will take what's _mine_ just because it's mine, those ARROGANT BASTARDS

I fight. Blood on my hands. Just a little. Not enough.

**PAIN-_HATE_**

_It hurts. I'm falling apart._

A roar, snarl, hiss as I face THEIR leader. Hate her the most. Unnatural. Oozes all wrong.

**HATE-HATE-_HATE_**

_There's wind, I think, going through me. Missing pieces._

More blood and violence, the fight a rush.

Blurs of red-orange-blue, incomprehensible shouts from the other creatures to the side.

_Where's MINE? Can't tell. _

**FLASH-WHITE**, and then there's movement

_MINE is coming for me. Pleading._

I move forward. HIS smell around me, can taste his skin, his mouth, his blood. Need _more_, I push.

_Knows he's mine, doesn't he? Forgot that bit._

Beautiful eyes, scared. Beautiful red underneath that pretty canvas, too.

I lick it.

_Mmmmm . . . tasty . . . _

A creature suddenly at my back, pounding, stealing again, like always.

THEIR leader.

**HATE-BITCH**

Roll away. Punch. Creature suddenly much too fast.

_I'm swirling away. Bits and pieces flying._

Confusion. Sharp pain in the chest.

Gasp. Unneeded breath, the sky swirls, disintegrates, falls inside, is gone.

_What? Where am . . . ?_

**HATE-_RELIEF_**

A blank nothing.

_Thank you_

* * *

TBC. And does this sudden shift in style make any sense?

Return to Top


	6. Buffy: 2

Title: A Progression in Moments

Pairing: Spander

Disclaimer: Do not own BTVS or characters

Warning: Slash, implied major character death

* * *

(Buffy POV) 

I'd wished that Spike's death wasn't an accident a few days ago, hadn't I? That was stupid of me.

What was I thinking? This is the _Hellmouth_. You don't say the W-word here unless you really want it to happen, and to happen _big_.

Guess I got my wish, too.

This whole thing has just been weird.

Weird how it happened, weird how none of us even once thought to comment on the whole in-love-with-Spike-thing, and weird how it all happened so fast.

I mean, two weeks ago I still thought Xander was completely straight. And now, just two weeks later, he's gone gay, secretly fallen in love with a male undead serial killing-type person, watched said male-person die, gone completely nuts, tried to bring the completely dead back to a lesser state of deadness, was attacked and then almost raped by his less-dead undead boyfriend, watched boyfriend die a second time, and is now mourning.

It seems like all of that should've taken more time. Three weeks at least.

But, then, I guess most of us have been operating in a confused daze for most of it, so it probably went faster than it should have. None of us were really thinking all that straight. Especially not Xander.

And, can I say, thank God me and Willow expected that?

Giles had been going on and on about how bringing Spike back would just result in 'releasing the pure demonic essence or whatever that lived beneath a vampire's human shell.' That it was impossible to even _think_ Spike would come back in his right mind, if he even came back in the right body.

And he means well, he really does, but I know from experience that a person mourning a loved one isn't exactly at their most rational. If they see a way to bring that person back, they'll do it no matter how stupid Giles says they are.

It had all seemed a bit iffy to me too. Spike was _dust_. How do you get a body out of _dust_?

But when Xander eventually found that spell to bring Spike back, me and Willow still agreed to help. I figured, who knows, it might actually work.

I'd meant it when I said that I would do anything to take back what I'd done. This was all my fault, after all. And if Giles was right, and Spike did come back eviler than before and killed Xander, then that would be my fault too. I needed to be there.

And as Willow was the only one who could actually _do_ the spell, she also needed to be there. I don't even want to think about what would've happened if Xander, with all his bad luck and inexperience, had tried to do the spell himself. Probably would've started his own mini-apocalypse.

Not that what actually did happen was very pretty either.

It was all very _eww_, actually

Turns out that, just like always, Giles was right.

I mean, Spike had looked so . . .

Well, let's just say that Xander must not have gotten all of Spike's dust in that urn, because there were pieces missing. And I'm not just talking about Spike's mind, either, which was also very obviously missing.

Acting like a confused and _extremely_ angry animal, he hadn't seemed to recognize anything but Xander, unfortunately for Xander. It's just a good thing that I'd been there to stop the Spike-thing from going any further, even if it did mean that Xander wasn't speaking or looking at me again.

After killing his boyfriend twice now, I don't really blame him. I'd be pretty pissed too.

But I kinda like Xander's normal, not dead, shape as it is, so I'm not sorry.

The first time I'd slayed Spike had been an accident, an accident I'd regretted and wished wasn't one. I got my wish, this second slaying wasn't an accident, and I probably should be sorrier but I'm not. Don't like it, didn't like doing it, but still not sorry.

Xander doesn't really seem to agree with me on this, but that's okay. Everyone's gonna just keep an eye on him for awhile, make sure he doesn't do any larger or more permanent acts of stupid.

Despite all that nasty, this whole thing has given him a kinda closure, at least. He should be alright eventually.

Maybe not completely happy, but alright.

* * *

The End.

Sorry, but Spike living just didn't fit. Too happy


End file.
